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 Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)

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Kedz is the god of [EW]
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PostSubject: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Tue Feb 23, 2010 12:22 am

for those old perverts we have to put up with
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[EW]Grundy
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:54 am

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
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[EW]Grundy
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:05 am

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted
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[EW] '74
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Tue Feb 23, 2010 12:59 pm

Heres a little dirty joke for you Smile


there was this one time I was wanking to porn...
... I kept a javascript tutorial open in another window so my parents didn't start wondering why I was always on the desktop with no windows showing
so I'm just about to splurge when I suddenly hear my dad coming up the stairs
alt-tabbed to the other window and tried to pull my boxers up... computer stalled JUST THEN as my dad was opening the door
I just stood up and was like "fuck... dad this honestly isn't what it looks like"
and he glanced at the screen and said "I sure hope so because it looks like you're masturbating to a fucking javascript tutorial"
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0Xz7RDpxnw
[EW] '74
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:05 pm

Another 1 Smile

Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from Z to A.....wait...*$@&!!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0Xz7RDpxnw
[EW]Grundy
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:34 am

If your wife has put on too much weight all she has to do is walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening, in 7 days the fat bitch will be 42 miles away.
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[EW]Grundy
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:39 am

A man boards an airplane for a trip and as he sits down, he sees the man beside him has a black eye. This amuses him as he has a black eye also. They look at each other and laugh. The first man finally asks, "How did you get that shiner?" The second man replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister. I was at the counter
buying my ticket this morning and the girl behind the counter had the most gorgeous boobs I have ever seen. I looked at her and meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh
, but I actually asked for a picket to Titsburgh. She got pissed off and smacked me one right in the eye." After a good laugh, the second man asked the first, "So tell me your tale, how did you get your shiner?" The second man replied, "Same way, a tongue twister. This morning I was at the breakfast table and meant to ask my wife to pour me a bowl of cornflakes, but I actually said, You ruined my life you stupid bitch."
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Thomas
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:23 pm

Whats the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.
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EasyTarget
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:02 am

A guy shows up at the bar after church to have the usual couple beers with his buddies. He has two black eyes. His buddies all ask "What the hell happened to you?" He says "While I was at church this morning, there was a fat lady in the pew in front of me. When she stood up her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass. So, being the gentleman that I am, I gently reached up and pulled it out for her. She turned around and smacked me in the eye!

"How did you get the second one?" his buddies ask.

Well, since she was so pissed, I thought that's where she wanted her dress so the next time we stood up, I tucked it back in!
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[EW]Grundy
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:12 pm

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."
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Jen
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:13 pm

Omg. LOL
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EasyTarget
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:22 pm

Kid is runnin around house lookin for his Dad. Finally walks thru the bedroom door and catches him doin the nasty with Mom. Dad starts laughin and says "run along Junior, I'll be out in a bit".

Old man finishes up and goes out to find the kid. Can't find him anywhere. Finally goes to look in the kids room. Opens the door and there is Junior on top of Gramma goin at it.

Old man yells "Junior!! What in the hell are you doing??!!

Junior says: "Not so funny when it's your Mom is it!"
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EasyTarget
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:25 pm

A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
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[EW]Grundy
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:27 pm

Why did the condom fly across the room?
It got pissed off! Twisted Evil
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EasyTarget
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PostSubject: Re: Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)   Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:38 pm

Hey Grundy,
That Joke just above yours wasn't originally the U of Michigan. I changed it in your honor!!!Laughing
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